I hate evenings like this. I become desperate and irrational. I hate desperate and irrational. I feel the need to "fix" and if I don't "fix" right now my world will spiral out of control and nothing will ever be good again. I doubt my belief that there's something big going on in my child's brain and I assume all the problems are because I'm too laid back as a mother and this child obviously just needs strict discipline. Oh, I'm such an idiot. I yelled at the child that I believe is suffering from significant cognitive impairment because he couldn't make sense of any of the questions I was asking him. Sounds logical, huh? But I wasn't as angry as much as I was desperate, and not wanting to face the reality.
Tomorrow Clark goes in for a brain MRI and lumbar puncture. I'm terrified. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm right? What if there really isn't anything there? What if they really find something? What if everything he's experiencing is just in my head and I'm simply a crabby, over-demanding mother? What if I have to learn to be a new kind of mother? What if the "expert" doctor is right and there's nothing wrong? What if that so-called expert is as wrong as he is mean? There's so much riding on tomorrow and right now I'm an absolute wreck.
I hate saying this but I'm desperate for them to find something. I know, that sounds awful doesn't it? I want there to be something wrong with my child. But I guess I already know there is. It's quite apparent. It's becoming more and more clear each day. Once upon a time I used to sit down next to my child after he did something he shouldn't have. We'd talk though the choices he made, why it wasn't a good idea, and what he can do to change things in the future. I remember those days. They weren't very long ago. Now conversations like this are impossible. He can't bring up thoughts and ideas. He can't put together sentences. Sometimes he beats his forehead with the palm of his hand over and over again because he can't access the information in his brain. It's so painful to watch and more painful knowing that there's truly nothing I can do to help him. Nothing.
We know that he's experienced a rather troubling decline in executive function in the past year. We've got IQ tests that show this. It's scary. Trouble with executive function is commonly associated with ADHD and that was the initial diagnosis, but I (and the therapist) think we've moved past where that diagnosis seems reasonable. This is not the same kid that I knew a year ago. And he's changing rapidly. All the things it could be that are causing this scare me to death.
We could really use all the prayers and good vibes you can muster. I have a feeling that we are in the beginning phase of a very long and tedious process that's going to be very emotional and often painful for our entire family.
Tomorrow Clark goes in for a brain MRI and lumbar puncture. I'm terrified. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm right? What if there really isn't anything there? What if they really find something? What if everything he's experiencing is just in my head and I'm simply a crabby, over-demanding mother? What if I have to learn to be a new kind of mother? What if the "expert" doctor is right and there's nothing wrong? What if that so-called expert is as wrong as he is mean? There's so much riding on tomorrow and right now I'm an absolute wreck.
I hate saying this but I'm desperate for them to find something. I know, that sounds awful doesn't it? I want there to be something wrong with my child. But I guess I already know there is. It's quite apparent. It's becoming more and more clear each day. Once upon a time I used to sit down next to my child after he did something he shouldn't have. We'd talk though the choices he made, why it wasn't a good idea, and what he can do to change things in the future. I remember those days. They weren't very long ago. Now conversations like this are impossible. He can't bring up thoughts and ideas. He can't put together sentences. Sometimes he beats his forehead with the palm of his hand over and over again because he can't access the information in his brain. It's so painful to watch and more painful knowing that there's truly nothing I can do to help him. Nothing.
We know that he's experienced a rather troubling decline in executive function in the past year. We've got IQ tests that show this. It's scary. Trouble with executive function is commonly associated with ADHD and that was the initial diagnosis, but I (and the therapist) think we've moved past where that diagnosis seems reasonable. This is not the same kid that I knew a year ago. And he's changing rapidly. All the things it could be that are causing this scare me to death.
We could really use all the prayers and good vibes you can muster. I have a feeling that we are in the beginning phase of a very long and tedious process that's going to be very emotional and often painful for our entire family.
2 comments:
Praying!
Thank you!
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