Mom the hypocrite

I tell my kids not to be ashamed of their mental illness. It's not their fault. It's a disease, just like any other. I'm proud of how hard they fight to conquer their illnesses. They should be proud of their successes, not embarrassed by their low moments. The thing is, I know how hard it is to accept severe mental illness within yourself.

Six years ago I was in the midst of Postpartum Psychosis. This was the serious stuff. This is what made Andrea Yates kill her children. I was a first time mother of a baby. John had just deployed for 18 months to Iraq. My child (who we later found out was suffering from sleep apnea) woke up every single hour all night long. I was already dealing with the hormonal imbalances, then losing my spouse for such a long period of time and extreme sleep deprivation took a rather scary toll. To be honest, I don't know how I made it through. I tried to seek treatment, but I was turned away from the ER. They said, "Try to remember that your husband has it worse than you." No one was taking me seriously. I was scared and didn't know what to do. A couple years later I saw a therapist after Hot Lips was born because I was scared of enduring the same horror. The therapist explained to me how miraculous it was for me to come out of that with no significant harm done. That's very rare, especially when someone isn't getting adequate treatment. 

Just thinking about it causes me to tremble. The experience was so very scary. I can't believe I'm still alive. I'm also incredibly ashamed over that period of my life. I've talked about it on very rare occasions and it's painful to do. I feel nothing but self-hatred and grief. Yes, I know how my children feel when they're faced with remembering their actions in their own scary moments. 

My experience with Postpartum Psychosis has allowed me to understand my children in a way that I wouldn't be able to otherwise. I will go so far as to call that experience a gift. I also need to hear the words that I'm telling my children. There is nothing to be ashamed of, especially if we're doing the best we can to help ourselves. The thing is, we have to be told how. The stigma of mental illness is cruel and only deepens the wounds. I feel the need to own up to my own break with reality so I can help my kids deal with theirs. 

As always, older child adoption is an incredible gift. It's hard. It's really, really hard. But I find the amount of mutual healing that takes place to be amazing. If we're honest with ourselves, we adopt older children because we think we have something great to give them. It's pretty likely they have something great to give us too.